Undeserved Hangovers

I feel as though no one should ever get an hangover if they weren't really drunk the previous night. It's just not fair that poor people get hangovers more often and worse just because we're forced to buy the $7 bottle of wine, as opposed to the $30 bottle. I have an INSANE hangover right now and I was just tipsy last night. Stupid cheap wine.

Vegetables: Evolution's Personal 'Fuck You'

OK evolution, here's my question for you: if vegetables are so good for you, how come they don't taste like chocolate?

Jeff Foxworthy

I hate Jeff Foxworthy. He's not funny, and his mustache makes him look like a 70s porn star. Also, I don't think he should be allowed to host Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader, because he's clearly much stupider than any of the contestants.

Future Shop and Christmas Temps

The other day, I tried to return my external hard drive to Future Shop. It is less than one year old, barely used, and beyond hope of functioning. Unfortunately, I lost my bill when I moved, in May, but I've definitely been able to return things before at Future shop without the bill.

Myself: Hi, I bought my hard drive here less than a year ago, and it is now not working. I would like an exchange or repair.
Temp: You have bill? (she clearly doesn't speak English or French)
Myself: No, unfortunatley, when I moved in May, I lost my purchase records. You must have it in your system, though?
Temp: How you pay?
Myself: How did I pay last year? Debit, I believe.
Temp: Debit ... no.
Myself: What do you mean debit no?
Temp: We ... 3 months ... credit card ...
Myself: No, I paid by debit.
Temp: No ... UNLESS credit card, we ... only 3 months.
Myself: So what you're saying to me is that you only keep records for 3 months, unless it's paid by credit card?
Temp: Yes. Statement?
Myself: I can get my statement, if that would help.
Temp: Exchange only.
Myself: So if I get my statement, you can only do an exchange? An exchange would be fine ...
Temp: Credit card only.
Myself: Oh. So I can only get an exchange if I have my credit card.
Temp: Yes.
Myself: And my statement? If I bring in my statement?
Temp: Missing details.
Myself: (grinding teeth) Okay, so I can't bring in my statement. So what you're telling me is that you only keep records for 3 months of ALL your transactions made by debit and cash, and now that my external hard drive is broken and I don't have my bill, I'm stuck with a broken piece of merchandise and you won't do anything about it, because I paid by debit?
Temp: ... yes. Credit Card
Myself: I've already established with you that I didn't pay by credit card. And you're telling me that I have no options here, correct?
Temp: After 3 months, all debit go to head office ... Vancouver.
Myself: All transaction records go to Vancouver? Is there any way you can get my transaction record from the head office?
Temp: ... no.
Myself: So, am I correct is saying that even though it's been less than a year, you will do nothing about my broken external hard drive?
Temp: you ... try ... manufacturer.
Myself: Clearly. (storming off)

How come adults don't get snow days?

I don't understand why adults don't get to have snow days. Kids have it so damn easy. When I wake up in the morning to 14 feet of fresh snow, I don't want to drink my coffee, eat my cereal, and trudge six hours through the blazing wind to get to my meeting. I want to put on my slippers and watch The Price is Right.

Imagine the possibilities:

"Close down Wall Street, it's a snow day!"
"The war in Iraq? But it's a snow day!"
"I can't perform open-heart surgery - it's a snow day!"

Cliffhangers and the end of seasons.

It's too long to wait and see what happens!!

I can barely handle one week! How am I supposed to wait several months?!
I want to KNOW what happens on the LOST island.

If they make Dexter S02 end on a cliffhanger, I'll personally hunt down every member of the cast and crew and kill them.
ARGH!!!

Early Christmas - Part Two

What is it with people who wear Santa hats in November? It's barely even cold enough to WEAR a hat and these wannabes are trying to spread holiday cheer! Where is The Grinch when you need him.

And as much as I like a little eggnog around the holidays, here's a suggestion to you merchants: replacing Halloween candy with cartons of eggnog is not a good marketing strategy. Keep it off the shelves until December, thank you.

Oh, one more thing: doing your Christmas shopping around the same time you're buying a Thanksgiving turkey is not good planning, it's stupid. All the good sales come right before Christmas. Besides, I'm sure Canadian Tire will have your Starfrit Organge Juicer all year round. Relax.

Twits who can't get to concerts on time

Bloody heck, it's not brain surgery.
If a show starts at 8, get there at 7:50. Instead, all these self-absorbed people stroll in up to a half hour late, making people who are already enjoying the music stand up, shuffle around and lose the focus. These dirtbags wouldn't dream of being late for a business meeting or a doctor's appointment.
The concept of "fashionably late" does not apply to shows.
Solution: lock the doors at 8:01 and don't let them in until intermission. And if they get angry, revoke the ticket and boot 'em out.

Early Christmas

The day after Halloween, Christmas officially starts in the retail world – which means that it starts for everyone. So for two solid months, we're subjected to gift-buying pressure and insipid, depressing music piped in everywhere. (If they'd at least play the Sufjan Stevens Christmas box once in a while, it wouldn't be so bad.)
You can't escape. We're stuck until January. Crap.

People who try to define Irony

When was the last time you heard someone properly define irony?

I was in class the other day and my teacher said that irony was "when you say something, but you mean something else." She had gone past the end of class, and I had a meeting with my advisor and rather than staying around to hear my teacher define LYING (not irony!) I just walked out of the class. I'm sorry! Call me an ass, but I'm not going to be late because of misdefined literary concepts.

Also: Rain on your wedding day? That's just an inconvenience.
No smoking sign on your cigarette break? Also inconvenience. Maybe it would be irony if you were taking your cigarette break from work at like ... a cigarette factory that doesn't give cigarette breaks usually... and then you finally get a cigarette break and you go out the only door of this huge building that is the cigarette factory to smoke one of those cigarettes you spend all day every day making and you get out there and go to light it and look up and see a no smoking sign. Who would've thought? It figures.
Meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife? Sucks to be you!
Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife? Clearly you just don't know how to play knife and spoony.

All these things are quite vexing, but unfortunately, not ironic. People are idiots.

Clementines with seeds

I hate when I put in all that effort to peel a clementine and when I finally bite into it, there are seeds inside.

Slow walkers, their friends, and people who don't move

I hate people who walk really slowly or who look all around as they're walking and get in my way. Are you a tourist? Have you never seen a construction site before? Is there something on top of that tall building? Do you like what's in that store window? Maybe you should STOP and move to the SIDE instead of continuing to walk an S-shaped curve in front of me.

Even worse than these meandering lookers are people who know exactly where they're going and simply choose to crawl along in front of me when I'm running for the bus. These are the same people who always give you dirty looks when you pass them, as if they're aware of their grandma speed but feel that you do not have the right to pass them. I always imagine that those are the kind of people who constantly complain about how things have changed since "their day."

At least, to their credit, these people don't see me coming because I come up behind them. But for the love of god, what is wrong with people who walk in packs down the street TOWARDS me and refuse to get out of my way? You know, the family of seven traveling like a street gang and occupying the entire sidewalk, forcing me to step out onto the curb just to continue on my merry way. I'll be damned if I'm gonna get nicked by a speeding car because some waste of air can't bother to observe the coming and going lanes of the sidewalk. My solution: closing my eyes and spinning my arms like a windmill. Then at least if they don't move, I might injure someone.

Naked guys in the locker room

Why do guys in the Y locker room get so much pleasure out of conversing with no clothes on? I think Jerry Seinfeld said it all: "I have a strict limit on the number of naked guys I need to see in one day: zero."
If you want to chat, at least put the boxer shorts on!

People who smell too bad or too much.

Let’s establish something here: Bath and Deodorant compliment each other. They are not interchangeable. The worst is those people who take a bath one day and don’t put on deodorant THEN they put deodorant on top of their nasty smell for the next 4 or 5 days until they’re visibly dirty. This is not hygiene, my friends.

Or, the opposite: These are the people who will wake you from your dozing at the back of the bus when they get on at the front with their scent alone. It’s not so much that they smell bad, because mostly they don’t. They just smell too much. It’s like they can’t smell themselves or something, because if they could, they’d be gasping for air. TONE it down! You smell too much!

People Who Eat Snacks on the Commuter Train

What, you twits can't wait a half hour until you get home and have supper? Apparently not – and I seem to be a magnet for everyone with a bag of chips, Doritos or cheesies, who will sit beside me and breathe nasty, gross, evil chip fumes all over me. The only thing that heightens the experience is if they're talking on the cell phone all the way home.
What's next? Peanut butter sandwiches?
The death penalty is too good for these people.

People Who Don't Speak Properly – Part 2

For the 2 zillionth time, it's not "I could care less," it's "I COULDN'T care less." Why can't anyone get that straight?
And on behalf of Beatle fans everywhere, it's NOT "Coo-coo-ca-choo," it's "Goo goo goo joob."

People who don't speak properly

People who insist that it's SherBERT rather than SherBET drive me nuts. It comes from the French 'Sorbet' not Sorbert! I also hate it when people say JUBEJUBE rather than JUJUBE and HAICH rahter than AICH for the letter “H”. Just because it doesn't have the "h" sound in it doesn't mean you have the right to add it in.

You also can’t CATCH a sunburn, you GET a sunburn.

ALSO. New-Clee-Ar, not New-Cue-Lar.

And the bane of my existence: The double negative "I didn't do/say nothing." It's anything you ass.

People who stop and talk in stairways

I'm always thrilled when I'm walking up a staircase, getting a good rhythm going, and then I run into six hundred teenage girls standing in a semicircle directly in my path. Had they invited me to this raucous game of Red Rover I might have accepted, but truthfully it's a pretty big inconvenience when I need to pass by them and their rousing conversation about
whose cell phone has the more annoying ringtone has forced them to stop and converse in the middle of the stairway.

Apparently no one told me that stairs are the new "in" social hangout.

Now get out of my way.

Wrong Place/Wrong Time.

Being in the gym at lunchtime with all the busy business people eager to sign up for the machines so they can work out and get back to the office. Being at the grocery store right after school has finished and there are little kids running everywhere doing groceries with their mommies. Today I heard one being like “I like this! I like this! Moooom I like this! MOOOOOM I like this!”, pointing at a box of froot loops. The mother consented to buy it by saying “If I buy you this will you stop crying about going to school in the morning?” Kid said yes. Good job, Mom.

My neighbors don't know how to use the garbage chute

I live in an apartment building with a garbage chute on each floor. This is a really simple device: there's a little door on the wall with a handle. Pulling on the handle reveals a drawer, and at the back of the drawer is a long chute. When I use the chute, I open the drawer, place my garbage bag inside, and close the drawer again, listening happily to the sound of my trash crashing in the dumpster below.

It no longer surprises me that whenever I stroll over to the garbage chute with a Hefty bag of trash, I find the drawer sitting open with someone else's garbage in it. Apparently closing the drawer is too much effort for my neighbors.

People and escalators

I hate people who don't understand that escalators have two lanes: one on the right for standing and waiting, and one on the left for walking up the stairs. This seems like innate knowledge that all humans should have, but then sometimes you find some waste of DNA standing on the left side. By himself. And the people in front and behind him are on the right. And then I come running up the stairs and there he is, standing in my way, and he doesn't move or even understand why I'm shaking my arms and swearing.