Undeserved Hangovers

I feel as though no one should ever get an hangover if they weren't really drunk the previous night. It's just not fair that poor people get hangovers more often and worse just because we're forced to buy the $7 bottle of wine, as opposed to the $30 bottle. I have an INSANE hangover right now and I was just tipsy last night. Stupid cheap wine.

Vegetables: Evolution's Personal 'Fuck You'

OK evolution, here's my question for you: if vegetables are so good for you, how come they don't taste like chocolate?

Jeff Foxworthy

I hate Jeff Foxworthy. He's not funny, and his mustache makes him look like a 70s porn star. Also, I don't think he should be allowed to host Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader, because he's clearly much stupider than any of the contestants.

Future Shop and Christmas Temps

The other day, I tried to return my external hard drive to Future Shop. It is less than one year old, barely used, and beyond hope of functioning. Unfortunately, I lost my bill when I moved, in May, but I've definitely been able to return things before at Future shop without the bill.

Myself: Hi, I bought my hard drive here less than a year ago, and it is now not working. I would like an exchange or repair.
Temp: You have bill? (she clearly doesn't speak English or French)
Myself: No, unfortunatley, when I moved in May, I lost my purchase records. You must have it in your system, though?
Temp: How you pay?
Myself: How did I pay last year? Debit, I believe.
Temp: Debit ... no.
Myself: What do you mean debit no?
Temp: We ... 3 months ... credit card ...
Myself: No, I paid by debit.
Temp: No ... UNLESS credit card, we ... only 3 months.
Myself: So what you're saying to me is that you only keep records for 3 months, unless it's paid by credit card?
Temp: Yes. Statement?
Myself: I can get my statement, if that would help.
Temp: Exchange only.
Myself: So if I get my statement, you can only do an exchange? An exchange would be fine ...
Temp: Credit card only.
Myself: Oh. So I can only get an exchange if I have my credit card.
Temp: Yes.
Myself: And my statement? If I bring in my statement?
Temp: Missing details.
Myself: (grinding teeth) Okay, so I can't bring in my statement. So what you're telling me is that you only keep records for 3 months of ALL your transactions made by debit and cash, and now that my external hard drive is broken and I don't have my bill, I'm stuck with a broken piece of merchandise and you won't do anything about it, because I paid by debit?
Temp: ... yes. Credit Card
Myself: I've already established with you that I didn't pay by credit card. And you're telling me that I have no options here, correct?
Temp: After 3 months, all debit go to head office ... Vancouver.
Myself: All transaction records go to Vancouver? Is there any way you can get my transaction record from the head office?
Temp: ... no.
Myself: So, am I correct is saying that even though it's been less than a year, you will do nothing about my broken external hard drive?
Temp: you ... try ... manufacturer.
Myself: Clearly. (storming off)

How come adults don't get snow days?

I don't understand why adults don't get to have snow days. Kids have it so damn easy. When I wake up in the morning to 14 feet of fresh snow, I don't want to drink my coffee, eat my cereal, and trudge six hours through the blazing wind to get to my meeting. I want to put on my slippers and watch The Price is Right.

Imagine the possibilities:

"Close down Wall Street, it's a snow day!"
"The war in Iraq? But it's a snow day!"
"I can't perform open-heart surgery - it's a snow day!"